Restorative Language in Action: Five Phrases That Change What Happens Next

Most of what makes a school restorative happens in ordinary moments. Not in formal conferences or scheduled meetings, but in the thirty seconds between a student doing something and an adult responding to it.

That's where the language matters, and it's also where it can be the hardest, because thirty seconds may not be long enough to weigh up your options. You say whatever you have available, utilising your existing neurological scripts.

Which is why the work of restorative language is mostly done in advance. You practise a small number of phrases until they're the ones that arrive on their own, and then on the difficult Tuesday when you're tired and the class is watching you have access to them.

Here are five worth having.

1. "What's happening for you?"

The version most of us grew up with is "what's wrong with you?"

That question is rhetorical. It isn't seeking information, and every student in the room understands that. It's a judgement in the shape of a question, and it tells the young person that the adult has already decided what kind of person they are.

"What's happening for you?" makes two different assumptions. That something is going on. And that you don't yet know what it is.

You'll often get nothing back. A shrug, an "I dunno", silence. That's fine, and it doesn't mean the question failed. The student heard which of the two you chose, and that goes into the relational piggy bank, an account they're keeping about whether adults in this building are safe.

This is the practical face of Ross Greene's observation that individuals do well when they can (Greene, 2014). If a student isn't doing well, something is in the way. The question is how you find out what.

2. "I've noticed..."

"I've noticed you've been sitting on your own at lunch."

"I've noticed you've handed the last three in on time."

"I've noticed things have been harder since the holidays."

“I’ve noticed you’re choosing where to sit more intentionally recently”

An observation is much easier to respond to than an interrogation. It doesn't ask the student to confess anything, or explain themselves, or work out in advance whether the conversation is a trap. It puts something on the table and leaves it there.

It does a second thing too, which for some students matters more than the first. It tells them somebody has been paying attention. Young people who have learned that adults notice them only when something has gone wrong will register the difference immediately.

Use it for good things at least as often as difficult ones. A student who only ever hears "I've noticed" before bad news will learn to brace at the phrase.

3. "Help me understand."

This one is for the moment you're annoyed.

It buys you three seconds, which is often all you need to stop yourself saying the thing you'd have to apologise for later. And it moves the student from defending to explaining, which are different positions with different outcomes.

"Help me understand what happened before you walked out" invites an account. "Why did you walk out?" invites a justification, and once someone is justifying, they're committed to a position and much less able to reconsider it.

It’s worth knowing that this one works on everyone. It's a useful phrase in a difficult staff conversation, when you have a parent on the phone, and in conversations at home.

4. "What do you need to be able to do that?"

Most behaviour support tells a student what to do. Comparatively little of it asks what's in the way.

A student who can't start a piece of written work might need a pen. Or a quieter seat, or the first sentence given to them, or someone to read the question aloud, or a reason to believe they won't be humiliated when it's wrong. You can guess or you can ask.

This is where restorative practice and trauma informed education meet in a very practical way. A dysregulated young person isn't choosing to be difficult and asking them to try harder is asking for something they don't currently have access to (Perry & Szalavitz, 2006). The question moves the problem from the child's willingness to the conditions around them, which is usually where it sits, and which is also the part you can do something about.

5. "I got that wrong."

The hardest of the five, and the one students will remember years later.

Everyone who works with thirty young people at once while tired will occasionally snap, use a tone they wouldn't want recorded, or jump to conclusions. What matters is the next moment or the next day.

Go back. Keep it short. "I spoke to you badly. That was on me. I want to apologise."

Two things to avoid. Don't explain how stressed you were, because that turns the repair into a request for sympathy and puts the student in the position of comforting you. And don't be careful with them for a week afterwards, because that signals the relationship has become fragile. Just make a deposit in the relational bank.

The reason this one matters goes well beyond the individual student. We ask young people to acknowledge harm, name it plainly, and carry on without collapsing into shame. Many of them have never watched an adult do it. Repair modelled by a teacher is a demonstration that the thing we're asking for is achievable and survivable.

What sits underneath all five

None of these are scripts and memorising them won't do much on its own. A phrase delivered without the belief behind it reads as technique or manipulation, and students detect that quickly.

What links them is a single assumption. The young person in front of you has reasons, and you don't know them yet.

That assumption is the difference between doing restorative and being restorative. The first is a set of actions you apply to a situation. The second is a way of seeing that shows up in the small moments, including the ones where nobody is watching and there's no process to follow.

Where to start

Pick one.

Choose the one that feels least natural to you, because that's usually the one doing the most work, and use it deliberately for a fortnight. Notice what comes back.

If you'd like something to keep nearby, our Restorative Conversation Guide is a free download with the questions in order and language for each, including what to say when you get a shrug.

And if you've completed Introduction to Restorative Practices with us and you'd rather practise this than read about it, Advanced Restorative Practices runs on 17 and 18 November in Geelong. Two days, small cohort, and a good deal of time on your feet facilitating the conversations out loud.

References

Greene, R. W. (2014). The Explosive Child (5th ed.). HarperCollins.

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Basic Books.